there are times when I'd wish I didn't understand spanish well

I gave up today. completely. just ditched the reins and ran off. And afterwards, I broke down and cried like I never did before. It was so liberating, but I felt like I left a shard of me behind there somewhere. I know why I did it. It is not because I didnt want it. not because I didn't know or understand how to have it. not only because I was afraid of failing. but more so because I'm sick of stubbornly rushing up against the tide when I know I'll be swept away. I feel like that fire that burned--the one unwavering in all its vigor consuming all Life had to offer--is nothing but a pitiful flame. it was not relevant to this one incident of giving up really. I actually don't remember any previous incidents of such involving forgone aspirations. Forgone--like opportunity costs. that F word makes me sad. and I look over to the window sill to see the sheets of numbers, epiphanies, theories, and more numbers reminiscent of long, sapped nights left there abandoned. I'm so disgusted at myself. I'm so disgusted. and I can't even begin to explain to my parents what it means to me. it is not a matter of pride, no. it is more a matter of not being true to what I promised myself. because for once in my life, i knew what I wanted. for once, I just knew it was right when I first thought it. I knew it was all along. I just knew.
wish i can sleep and not wake up until next week. I give up, Life. for once, you shall win
for now

another day